I am in the midst of one of those 'I wonder if it's possible that maybe, maybe I could possibly be pregnant' times. I'm sure I'm not and I am trying to not be hopeful. i'm aiming for pessimism. And I'm not optimistic at all but against my will I am hopeful. I can't stand it. You see if I'm not hopeful and then not pregnant, it's no harm, no foul, but when hope creeps in and I am inevitably not pregnant it is crushing. And it feels like it's only a small degree of crushing, but it stays with you. I'm haunted by those negative pregnancy tests. I'm sure my lady time/period/crimson wave/menses will start any day now and render taking a test a non issue. It's just too bad that that won't help with my having the tiniest spark of hope.
{written on Novmeber 19th}
For the record, as of today there have been no waves of crimson but a test came back negative. And yes, it was crushing.