Never Pregnant

I am in the midst of one of those 'I wonder if it's possible that maybe, maybe I could possibly be pregnant' times. I'm sure I'm not and I am trying to not be hopeful. i'm aiming for pessimism. And I'm not optimistic at all but against my will I am hopeful. I can't stand it. You see if I'm not hopeful and then not pregnant, it's no harm, no foul, but when hope creeps in and I am inevitably not pregnant it is crushing. And it feels like it's only a small degree of crushing, but it stays with you. I'm haunted by those negative pregnancy tests. I'm sure my lady time/period/crimson wave/menses will start any day now and render taking a test a non issue. It's just too bad that that won't help with my having the tiniest spark of hope.

{written on Novmeber 19th}

For the record, as of today there have been no waves of crimson but a test came back negative. And yes, it was crushing.

Officially Sick in the Head

Why I do believe I may have actually been diagnosed with Depression. Yay! And I do sincerely mean that 'yay.' I like having actual, concrete thing wrong as opposed to just wondering. the doctor I spoke with was apparently not the drug giving kind so I have a referral to have a medication evaluation with a different doctor. To be clear, the doctor today didn't come right out and proclaim the diagnosis but I feel better all the same. She wrote up a little treatment plan for ma and told me that she thinks our relationship will be short term, as in over in 6 months or less. I'm ambivalent about the length of time. At the moment I can't say whether it's a good or bad thing. Though I guess it's more in the good column that she doesn't see me having a long term need for therapy.

{written on November 15th}